Justin du Coeur (jducoeur) wrote,
Justin du Coeur
jducoeur

All cried out, at least for now

There's a part of me that's always sitting in the background, studying what I'm doing and feeling, perpetually analytical. That part of me has noticed that the situation with Comet is hitting me quite a bit harder than my grandparents' deaths did. That's a bit disturbing on some level, and will be the cause of some introspection.

Realistically, though, I suspect it's the sheer immediacy that's doing me in. Death has always been a bit distant and remote for me. I've been to a number of Lodge funerals, but they've never been for people I was really close to. And my only relatives who have died were three of my four grandparents, all of which happened "off-stage" as it were, when I was nowhere near. Even the two funerals I attended were closed-casket, providing a real barrier to confronting the reality. I have a nasty feeling that I'm still slightly in denial on a subconscious level, and that I've never properly grieved.

This time, though, it's right in my face, with a cat who has shared our living space for 17 years. Indeed, it's far worse because I have to be the grownup. Comet isn't wretchedly unhappy -- yet. He's weak, getting thinner by the day, and has basically stopped eating. He could probably survive a few more days, but they wouldn't be good ones.

So I made the call to ladysprite this morning; she's going to come over tonight. It was the hardest phone call I've ever made -- it took me fifteen minutes just to steel my nerve to say the words, and after I hung up I had the most uncontrolled cry I've had in years. Even now, after a few hours of work to distract me, I keep tearing up when I even think about it.

I'm a bit startled by the depth of my own feelings. This isn't the numb sadness of depression -- instead, it's vivid and raw and a bit overpowering. I suddenly have both more respect and sympathy for my father, who had to arrange both his parents' funerals a few years back; it's a little hard to imagine this feeling magnified by that degree of closeness and responsibility. And even moreso for my maternal grandfather, who spent a couple of years watching my grandmother slipping painfully away; at least msmemory and I have some intellectual comfort that we're doing the right thing here, and the final decline has been relatively quick.

All right -- back to work. Responsibilities and deadlines aside, I need to distract myself for a while again, and ASP.NET makes a satisfyingly evil opponent to take my mind off realer things...
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