Justin du Coeur (jducoeur) wrote,
Justin du Coeur
jducoeur

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Observations From Inside

For much of the past week, I've been wrestling with as black a depression as I've ever dealt with. (Don't ask; some subjects cross the line between blog and diary.) But there is one small benefit of my nature as a fairly average INTJ: I always have that little voice in the back of my head, more or less dispassionately analyzing everything I feel and do. Expressing that helps at least a bit, so here are some random thoughts.

Observation: I am very, very tired, but I haven't yet figured out if that's an effect of the depression, or if my perpetual state of mild sleep-dep is exacerbating my mood. The desire to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just ignore the world is quite strong. This is distinctly unnatural for me: I'm not exactly a nap kinda guy. In the meantime, it's remarkably difficult to focus on productive work, because I can't care enough about what I'm doing. It's almost fortunate that we're prepping for our first "beta" (read: "alpha") release -- it's much easier to motivate to deal with the little crises that arise late in the ship cycle.

Observation: That said, I'm getting very annoyed with myself at how snippy I'm getting, especially at work. Intellectually I can see that I'm downright crabby, but it's hard to stop doing it.

Observation: Exercise really does help, at least a little. I'm not sure whether that's a matter of endorphins, satisfaction at pushing the Nautilus just a little higher, or simply a useful distraction.

Observation: I suspect that I'm coming across as relatively affectless much of the time, simply from how my face feels -- I just don't have the energy to be expressive, which is also very unusual for me. However, it's also being driven by a constant low-level sensation that I'm about to cry if I allow myself to be expressive. My usually tight grip on my emotions has gone thoroughly haywire.

Observation: I think too much. Or at least, that's much of the underlying cause here. If I could let things slide more easily, I wouldn't be having nearly so much trouble.

Observation: I dwell too much. I have a strong tendency to try to think things through, and figure out what's likely to happen and how I can make things as good and right as I can. But at the moment, that's making me play scenarios over and over, in obsessive little cycles that don't accomplish much.

That dispassionate little voice assures me that it'll get better eventually. I have a strong, deep-seated belief that things work out right in the end. But that's not providing much comfort today. In the meantime, I observe that the little things make a remarkably big difference. A hug or a sincere smile, even from a stranger, has a powerful ability to cheer me up briefly. Have to remember that for the future, to pass some on when the smiles are more within my ability...
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