Personally, as many of you know, I am of the Lebovite faith -- The Followers of the Button. Our days are measured and regulated by The Button: it is our I Ching and our Karma, giving us insight into the day to come, and sometimes providing commentary of the finest snarkitude when we come to the end of the day and reflect. We do not choose our Button: rather, it chooses us randomly each morning, as we are drawn to the correct Button for the coming day.
Of course, all good disciples of The Button arrange their year around it. This makes the Lebovite calendar particularly esoteric: rather than a Solar or Lunar year, we follow the Button year. We know that the year has ended when we complete the Cycle of The Buttons, taking the last one from the Inbox and placing it into the now-filled Outbox. We celebrate not with food nor alcohol, but with the ritual Counting of the Buttons, that we may have some clue how long the next year will be. (Of course, this is an inexact process, as Nancy graces us each year with more buttons, but it gives us at least a minimum length of the year.) We take the buttons from the Outbox and return them to the Inbox, praying as we do so that the Buttons bite us not with their sharp prongs, but will grace us with a good year, and counting them as we do so. As a longstanding Follower of the Button, I find that my upcoming year is to be at least 564 days long: surely, I am blessed.
Mind, I am rather catholic in my tastes and proclivities, so it should not be surprising that I am not *exclusively* Lebovite. As many of you know, I am also a devout Foglian: those who would follow The Blimp and Raygun. Unlike the Lebovites, the Foglians have a singular deity, which is of course The Winslow. As it is said, "The Winslow is the exact shape and size of the Perfect Lizard of Love, which, of course, is the Winslow."
Being both a Lebovite and Foglian, I therefore celebrate the New Year with an additional rite: The Wearing of the Winslow. As a member of the ancient Foglian faith (and Keeper of Stuff), I possess the sacred Winslow Cloisonne, mark of the inner priesthood of Lebovite Foglians. On this holiest of days, it is taken from its box while performing The Counting of the Buttons, and worn as an invocation, that the mysterious but all-powerful Winslow shall give us good fortune in the nearly-600-day year to come...