Justin du Coeur (jducoeur) wrote,
Justin du Coeur
jducoeur

What to let go of

I'm continuing to do surprisingly well -- enough so that, even when I hit a few hiccups in my hopes every now and then, it doesn't seem to be hurting me too much. Which actually occasions a little introspection, because I'm surprised that I *am* doing as well as I am. Why is that?

One of the basic principles of Buddhism is that misery arises from attachment -- that our unhappiness generally comes from our expectations not being met, from loss, and so on. I think that's at the core here, but forces me to ask how. I mean, my attachment to Jane was deep and abiding: in a very real sense, I've been defined by our relationship. The person I was can't simply let go of that.

And that's the key. I've been realizing the language that I've been using with myself in recent months, and it's very consistent: it all boils down to the simple fact that the person I was essentially died with Jane. I think that's more literally true than I'd been giving it credit for. It's not that I've let go of Jane -- it's that I've let go of *myself*.

That was more accidental than intentional, but it's curiously therapeutic. Somewhere along the line, I really internalized the notion that my life ended in January. The result is that I'm not so much picking up the pieces as starting over -- finding and building a new person. It's not from scratch, by any means, but all assumptions are on now on the table, and there's something very freeing about that. I have no idea where I'm going to wind up, but walking that path is strangely refreshing. And while I will undoubtedly eventually develop attachments that I am afraid to lose, for now I find that fear is remarkably boiled away...
Tags: diary, jane
Subscribe

  • The Silk Road Trial

    Having finally finished reading through this, I commend Ars Technica's coverage of the trial of the Dread Pirate Roberts over the past few weeks.…

  • The higher the pedestal, the likelier somebody will fall off

    So we have a man who has been respected and admired for decades; who is highly charismatic and strongly opinionated, and who has spent many years…

  • Smock

    I just have to say, every time I hear the phrase, " Sophisticated underwear bomb" on the news, it gets funnier...

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 1 comment