Justin du Coeur (jducoeur) wrote,
Justin du Coeur

What to let go of

I'm continuing to do surprisingly well -- enough so that, even when I hit a few hiccups in my hopes every now and then, it doesn't seem to be hurting me too much. Which actually occasions a little introspection, because I'm surprised that I *am* doing as well as I am. Why is that?

One of the basic principles of Buddhism is that misery arises from attachment -- that our unhappiness generally comes from our expectations not being met, from loss, and so on. I think that's at the core here, but forces me to ask how. I mean, my attachment to Jane was deep and abiding: in a very real sense, I've been defined by our relationship. The person I was can't simply let go of that.

And that's the key. I've been realizing the language that I've been using with myself in recent months, and it's very consistent: it all boils down to the simple fact that the person I was essentially died with Jane. I think that's more literally true than I'd been giving it credit for. It's not that I've let go of Jane -- it's that I've let go of *myself*.

That was more accidental than intentional, but it's curiously therapeutic. Somewhere along the line, I really internalized the notion that my life ended in January. The result is that I'm not so much picking up the pieces as starting over -- finding and building a new person. It's not from scratch, by any means, but all assumptions are on now on the table, and there's something very freeing about that. I have no idea where I'm going to wind up, but walking that path is strangely refreshing. And while I will undoubtedly eventually develop attachments that I am afraid to lose, for now I find that fear is remarkably boiled away...
Tags: diary, jane

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